What now?

Motherhood is a journey full of emotions I never fully anticipated. In the midst of all the joy and love, there's a constant inner battle—one that I didn't expect to be so intense. It's the struggle between wanting to be home with my baby and the desire to work.

I’ve always been driven, passionate about my career, and dedicated to making a difference in education. When I first became a mom, I thought I’d find a way to balance both worlds seamlessly. But what I’ve learned is that balance isn’t always possible, and sometimes, it feels like I’m failing at both.

Every time I look at my baby, I feel an overwhelming need to be there for every moment, every milestone. The thought of missing her first words, first steps, or even just a simple smile breaks my heart. I want to be the one she turns to for comfort and joy. Yet, this desire comes with its own set of challenges. There’s an underlying guilt that creeps in—am I doing enough? Am I being the mom she needs?

At the same time, there's this part of me that longs for the fulfillment I’ve found in my work. I’ve spent years building a career, driven by a passion for making education more accessible and inclusive. The thought of stepping away from that, even temporarily, fills me with a different kind of guilt. I worry about losing my identity, my skills, and the connections I’ve worked so hard to build.

What makes this struggle even harder is the guilt I feel for wanting to work. There’s a societal pressure, often unspoken but deeply felt, that mothers should be wholly dedicated to their children. The expectation is that any desire to work is somehow selfish, taking away from the time and attention my child deserves. This guilt is heavy, and it often leaves me questioning my choices, wondering if I’m prioritizing the right things.

And here’s the twist: there are moments when I realize that I don’t actually want to work at all, at least not right now. The demands of a job, the stress, the deadlines—it all feels too overwhelming when I’m already navigating the complexities of motherhood. But then, what does that mean for me? Who am I if I’m not working? How do I reconcile the person I was with the person I’m becoming?

This is where I find myself now—recovering from the whirlwind of these conflicting emotions and feeling lost in the process.

Maybe the answer isn’t about choosing one over the other but finding a way to honor both. Maybe it’s about redefining what work looks like for me in this season of life, or maybe it’s about allowing myself the space to step back and just be.

For now, I’m trying my best to just feel all of it—the joy, the guilt, the confusion, and the hope that, eventually, I’ll find my way.