“Both/And”

Now that it’s over, my specific pregnancy feels like a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dream. Of COURSE I am beyond in love with my little baby and could not be more grateful! But this is one of those tricky "both/and" moments- yes, I adore my dear one with all my heart, AND I am in reality around the fact that pregnancy (for me!) was ROUGH. I find it interesting that so many people told me that I would "forget" the pain due to hormones or other evolutionary forces that hijack your mind and tell you that you totally blew it all out of proportion and should have another kiddo ASAP. And okay, I begrudgingly admit that my time pregnant is a bit of a blur and I weirdly DID have the thought about having another kiddo ASAP. Luckily, my past self decided to make sure that my future self would have some documentation of the whole ordeal, juuuuust in case future self has the idiotic thought, “well, that wasn’t SO bad"….” 

So, here we are. Time traveling back to a random moment in my second or third trimester, when I decided to vent by typing furiously into Microsoft Word. If there’s the slightest chance that this vulnerability will help someone feel less hopeless in their pregnancy, then sharing this rambling and grammatically incorrect stream of consciousness is worth the risk I suppose. Please enjoy (or at least, commiserate) and know you are not alone.

With Love, A Sprouting Mama

THE RANT:

One day, I wake up and I feel fine, just “so tired.” Other days, I wake up and I wonder if I am dying. Sure, maybe this sounds like an exaggeration. It probably IS an exaggeration. But I don’t really know how else to convey just how horrible certain moments in my pregnancy have felt.

I was literally fine two days ago. I put on makeup and did my hair and felt fairly good. Yay! All is well! Then, yesterday, I woke up feeling like a zombie and puked my brains out. I couldn’t keep a corner of a saltine down without immediately needing to projectile vomit. Then, I could not keep liquids down, so I got super dehydrated. It’s funny because the night before I was so sick, I ate steak in an attempt to get more iron into my system (because of course, I’m anemic now too). We went back to the hospital (fourth time this month I believe?) where I had a lovely IV, miraculous anti-nausea meds, and a nice little time monitoring my contractions because of course, that’s a thing that happens too now!

But this has been the struggle of my specific pregnancy. It’s a rollercoaster- one day I’m like, ok, I got this, even if I’m high-key peeing my pants every time I sneeze. Another day, I’m like, oh shoot. My body is not working. My leg randomly went numb and I can’t see out of my left eye and I have a weird pain in my belly and I’m dizzy and worried that I am going to pass out if I take another step, which is scary when you are on public transportation. Also, I go up one flight of steps and I spend the next half hour trying to catch my breath. Also, I feel as tired as I did when I had mono and I fell asleep standing up. Also, someone please tell me to stop Googling all of these pregnancy symptoms because I’m psyching myself out. Oh, and I can’t stop crying but it’s not because I’m an oh-so-frail woman, it’s because I am building a literal human body in my stomach while also not being able to eat like normal or sleep like normal or function like normal because my brain is absolutely flooded with hormones that are powerful enough to help me build a freaking BABY. But that takes a TOLL.

A few thing that I did not realize about pregnancy because society is bad at letting us know what we are in for:

1) All. Pregnancies. Are. Different. People are going to try to make comparisons and potentially say things that somehow make you feel like you are doing pregnancy “wrong”, which is super fun when your brain feels unhinged from hormones and you feel like shit all the time. Here is an example of an unhelpful comparison: “You feel horrible? Weird. I felt great my whole pregnancy! I was able to work without accidentally peeing myself in my office chair and I could eat healthy food without puking and I loved to run a thousand miles a day and I stayed totally calm about the fact that I was going to be responsible for taking care of a tiny human being in a few short months and I didn’t need any Zoloft or anything! Ha ha ha aren’t I just perfect?” And in all seriousness, if you’re having a great pregnancy, that’s amazing and I am truly so happy for you. Just remember that someone else might be having a wildly different experience.

2) Not all pregnancies are either HIGH RISK THROWIN’ UP EVERY DAY or ~glowing pregnant Pinterest goddess worshipping the body that is making a baby~ chill. In fact, you could be somewhere in the middle. Or nowhere close to either of these things, but miserable regardless. And kudos to anyone who enjoys their bump. Personally, I miss sleeping on my stomach and feeling cute.

3) A lot of companies and institutions SAY that they are going to be super accommodating and inclusive (cough, cough… cough.) but then when you actually try to figure out what those accommodations might be, no one can help you because often, the structures do not exist.

4) I often feel rage as a woman, but this experience has really brought it to a new level. I’m so mad that we’re constantly expected to just push through.“Women can do it all” is starting to feel like a harmful statement rather than an empowering one. Yes, sure, women are incredible and can totally do it all. However, what happens when we can’t do it all? Is it okay to rest? I didn’t account for how awful I would feel in my dramatically changing body. Now, here I am, beating myself up for “failing” to function the way I did pre-pregnancy. It feels like just another way for society to tell us that we can juggle everything while our bodies are changing drastically and building another human being, but then when we burn out, it feels like we should be working harder because girl power, am I right? AND SOME PEOPLE CAN DO THIS BUT THEN OTHERS (me) ARE LIKE, help I am drowning, I want to be a badass but also my body is incapacitated and sure I guess I CAN do it all but at what cost? Do I want to go into early labor because I’m pushing myself and getting stress contractions super early? Are people ignoring the realities of how hard this is by ignoring the nuance?

5) BUT BE GRATEFUL- yes random person, of course I am grateful! Didn’t you know that two feelings can exist at once? “Both, and!” I am BEYOND thrilled and grateful and filled with love for my little baby. And also, being pregnant has been brutal. I’d do anything for this little baby, and ALSO wow this is wrecking my body and mind. I am beyond thrilled I was able to get pregnant, especially with fertility worries after years of ovarian cysts rupturing & other fun health things. I do not want to be dismissive of the pain and grief that so many experience wishing to conceive. And ALSO. I am miserable in this moment. My anxiety is eating me alive, and now I have anxiety about my anxiety. I can’t stop worrying that every little move I make or emotion that I have will hurt the little one inside of my belly. Someone please take Google away from me.

6) Stay tuned for my imaginary book, titled “No, I won’t forget.”

And guess what? While it all feels like a bit of a fever dream, I can assure you that I did NOT forget.